Why do people with depression push others away?

Intuitively, most of us know that the quality of our relationships can influence our mental health. When we feel connected and supported, it’s easier to weather the stress of everyday life. At the same time, feeling isolated and alone can negatively affect our well-being and make it more difficult to navigate challenges. 

Research shows that having a strong support network can act as a protective factor against mental health conditions like depression. But at the same time, limited social connection may make depression worse. 

So why do so many people with depression seem to push others away? To answer this question, we need to look at the unique ways that depression can impact a person’s ability to engage socially and maintain relationships. 

Is avoiding people a symptom of depression?

Technically, avoiding people isn’t a universal symptom of depression. But many people living with major depressive disorder (MDD) and other mood disorders experience something called social withdrawal. This occurs when a person purposely and repeatedly avoids social activities and interactions with other people, instead preferring to spend time alone. 

Sometimes, social withdrawal can be an adaptive response. For example, you can probably recall a time when you were physically exhausted or not feeling well and you just didn’t feel like being around other people. Maybe you declined an invitation to a birthday party or decided to eat your lunch alone instead of with your coworkers. 

Occasionally needing some alone time to recharge your batteries doesn’t mean you have a mental health condition. But ongoing interruptions in social behavior could be a sign of a mental health condition like depression. This can take many forms, depending on the person. 

But there are some signs that a person might be pushing others away because of depression:

• They stop returning phone calls, texts, emails, or other forms of communication.
• They decline invitations to social activities they used to enjoy.
• They start canceling plans with friends at the last minute.
• When they do hang out with other people, they don’t make an effort to interact. 
• They no longer seem interested in deepening their friendships or forming new relationships.
• They stop participating in hobbies or activities that involve other people.
• Even limited social interactions leave them feeling physically exhausted.
• They worry that no one wants to spend time with them or that their depression could be a burden on other people.

Six reasons someone with depression may pull away

There are many reasons that someone with depression may pull away from others. But it’s important to remember that if a person is self-isolating, it doesn’t necessarily mean they no longer care about their friends or loved ones. 

Social withdrawal can be both a result and a predictor of depression. In other words, a person can experience depression due to the absence of meaningful connections in their lives. But a person can also pull away as a reaction to their depressive symptoms. And sometimes, it can be a bit of both. 

We all have different capacities for social interaction. One person’s preferred level of engagement might be different from the next person’s, and so on. However, if someone has depression and they appear to be pulling away, it may be due to some of the following reasons:

1. Emotional overwhelm: People living with depression often feel exhausted or overwhelmed due to unmanageable stress. This can leave them with limited energy for social interactions.
2. Shame or embarrassment: Depression can leave someone feeling like they’ve let others down or like they haven’t met expectations. These feelings may lead them to self-isolate.
3. Anhedonia: This term refers to a loss of ability to experience pleasure, and it’s a common symptom of depression. If a person used to enjoy group hobbies (like sports or community theater), they may pull away from those activities while in a depressive state.
4. Disordered thinking: People with depression might mistakenly feel that others look down on them or don’t want to be around them. So they avoid social interactions.
5. Poor self-esteem: Depression can take a toll on a person’s self-esteem, which can make it difficult to engage socially.
6. Self-protection: Research shows that poor-quality relationships can worsen symptoms of depression. So a person might pull away from strained relationships to prevent further harm.

Ways to stay connected while depressed 

If your depression is negatively affecting your relationships, there are things you can do to maintain your important connections while you work on your mental health.

• Keep it simple. Don’t try to overhaul your social habits all at once. Instead, pick one small, achievable goal, and work from there. For example, look at the calendar, and pick one group activity to attend this week.
• Talk about it. This might feel hard at first. But letting a trusted person know what you’re going through can make a world of difference. You don’t have to share every detail. Instead, you can simply let them know that you’re struggling with isolation right now but you’re working on it.
• Look for low-pressure activities. There are lots of ways to be in the presence of other people without having to engage with them directly. For example, go to the movies, walk in the park on a busy day, or bring a book to your favorite coffee shop.
• Use technology. If hanging out with someone face to face feels overwhelming, use technology instead. Try sending a text or email if you don’t feel like getting on a call or being together in person.

Coping with being pushed away

When someone you care about suddenly stops returning your texts or accepting your invitations, it can be hurtful. You might wonder if you did or said something wrong or why they don’t want to spend time together anymore. 

But if you’re having this experience with someone living with depression, it’s important to remember that it likely has nothing to do with you. Social withdrawal is a common symptom of depression, and many people use it as a way to alleviate the discomfort brought on by their condition. You can be supportive by periodically checking in, suggesting low-pressure activities (like watching a movie, going on a gentle walk, or enjoying a cup of tea together), and letting the person know that you’ll be there to listen if they want to talk.

Find care with Rula

One of the most devastating aspects of depression is that it can make it hard to spend time with people — even those you care about — and keep you from doing things you used to enjoy. And social withdrawal and ongoing isolation can make depression worse. But fortunately, with Rula, the support you need to manage your mental health is now just a few clicks away. 

When you need treatment for depression or any other mental health condition, we invite you to use our therapist-matching program. In just a few minutes, you can find a provider who takes your insurance and schedule your first appointment for as early as this week.

Find a therapist with Rula