Covert emotional abuse can be harder to detect than other forms of abuse, but it’s just as harmful. It involves subtle manipulation tactics to dominate and control a person within an intimate relationship.
Signs of covert emotional abuse include constant criticism, gaslighting, social isolation, emotional neglect, and subtle insults disguised as compliments.
If you think you’re experiencing covert emotional abuse, remember that it’s not your fault. Prioritize your safety, engage in self-care, set boundaries, nurture your support system, and consider seeking professional help to strengthen your mental health.
Abuse can take many forms. Some types are easy to spot, especially when they cause visible physical harm. Others are harder to recognize, like covert emotional abuse — a subtle form of non-physical abuse meant to control or dominate someone.
Covert emotional abuse uses quiet, manipulative tactics (like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or silent treatment) that are hard to detect, even for the person experiencing them. Over time, these behaviors can chip away at self-esteem and deeply affect mental health.
Learning to recognize the signs of covert emotional abuse can help you know when to reach out for support.
What is covert abuse?
One of the most challenging aspects of understanding covert emotional abuse is that it can be incredibly subtle. It involves a slow, steady drip of manipulative, deceitful tactics aimed at eroding a person’s independence and sense of self. Typically, it occurs in intimate relationships when one person seeks to dominate and control their partner.
Covert emotional abuse is sometimes referred to as narcissistic abuse, and people who’ve been abused this way often have a sense that something isn’t right. But they may struggle to voice exactly what’s wrong in their relationship. For example, people on the receiving end of covert abuse might feel confused or like they’re walking on eggshells. Their partners may continue to profess their love while at the same time doing or saying things that cause emotional harm.
This may lead the person experiencing abuse to wonder if there’s something wrong with them or if they’re the problem. They may hesitate to ask for help because they worry that no one will believe them if they don’t have tangible evidence of abuse.
Sadly, this can result in an ongoing cycle of emotional abuse that can be difficult to escape. But by learning more about covert emotional abuse, you’ll know how to spot the signs, set healthy boundaries, and strengthen your mental health.
Signs of covert emotional abuse
It can be hard to spot the signs of covert emotional abuse. But there are some common tactics to be aware of, including:
Constant criticism and belittling
Gaslighting, scapegoating, and love bombing
Isolation from friends and loved ones
Undermining your accomplishments
Emotional neglect
Giving the silent treatment
Making subtle, painful digs or threats that sound like jokes
Giving insults that, on the surface, sound like compliments
Withholding love or affection
Blaming you for all the problems in the relationship or anything that goes wrong
Limiting your access to resources or financial control
Forbidding you from getting a job or doing something to better yourself
Denying your experience in ways that leave you questioning your reality
Doing or saying things that make you feel powerless or undeserving of love
Reframing your attempts to connect as neediness
Refusing to take responsibility for their words or actions
Making promises to change, then denying that they ever made the promises
Normalizing abusive, unhealthy behaviors
Engaging in online stalking or surveillance to control your internet or phone use
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What should you do if you think you might be experiencing covert emotional abuse?
Because it’s so subtle, it can be hard to tell if you’re experiencing emotional abuse. Abusers often deny their intentions and can make you feel like you’re imagining things.
For example, they might say things like, “Geez, it was just a joke” after insulting you. Or they might claim they don’t want you to see your friends because they want to “protect” you.
Remember, abuse can take many forms and it’s never your fault. You don’t have to experience physical harm to ask for help.
If you suspect you’re experiencing covert emotional abuse, here are steps that can help you gain clarity and protect yourself:
Reflect on your experience: Think honestly about what’s been happening in your relationship and how it makes you feel.
Track what happens: Write down any suspected incidents and how they affected you. Keep this journal in a secure place.
Seek outside perspective: Talk to trusted friends, family, or others who know you well. Their validation can help you see the situation more clearly.
Plan for safety and support: As you gain clarity, think about who you can turn to for emotional support or help if you decide to make changes.
Dig deeper:
Healing after covert emotional abuse
Recovering from covert emotional abuse can take time. The abuse may have been subtle, but its effects on your self-esteem, trust, and emotional well-being are real. Healing starts with prioritizing your safety and giving yourself space to rebuild.
If you’re in immediate danger, call 911, local crisis services, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233).
If you’re safe now, these steps can support your healing:
Prioritize self-care. Abuse can take a toll on your mental health and physical well-being. So try to set aside some time to engage in activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit.
Set clear boundaries. You don’t have to stand by and listen to hurtful comments, manipulations, or insults. Let the other person know that if they belittle you or emotionally abuse you in any way, you’ll remove yourself from the conversation. Plan ahead, and consider where you’ll go if you need to make an exit.
Challenge self-blame. Abusers will often do or say things that leave you feeling like the abuse is your fault. But that is never the case. So when you notice self-blame creeping in, try to challenge those thoughts.
Reach out for support. Abuse thrives on isolation because it’s harder for a perpetrator to harm you if other people witness their behavior. So reach out to your support network and talk about your experience with people you trust.
Seek professional help. Emotional abuse can have a lasting impact on your mental health. A therapist can help you regain your sense of self, set and uphold boundaries, learn to spot abuse, and build healthy relationships.
Healing after covert emotional abuse is a process. But with support, it’s possible to feel safe, whole, and empowered again.
Dig deeper:
Healing from covert emotional abuse takes time and that’s OK. Rebuilding your sense of self is like tending a garden after a storm. With steady care, your confidence and peace will grow back stronger than before.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
Find care with Rula
While it can be harder to detect, research shows that covert emotional abuse can sometimes be even more harmful than physical abuse. So if you or someone you care about has experienced it, know that it’s okay to ask for help. At Rula, our goal is to streamline access to effective, compassionate mental healthcare for anyone who needs it.
No matter the mental health challenge you’re facing, you can use our therapist-matching program to find a therapist who takes your insurance in just a few minutes. From there, you can schedule your first online appointment and begin accessing care as soon as tomorrow.
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Micaela Gonzalez, LMFT
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