Keys to effective communication for couples

If you want your relationship to go the distance, then you and your partner must focus on effective communication. Research has found that communication is the most important factor that helps couples maintain a healthy relationship. However, many couples struggle to communicate effectively. 

If you’re having trouble communicating with your partner in helpful ways, we have some tips to help you foster healthy communication skills. 

Six communication tips for couples

If you and your partner are struggling to communicate effectively, the first step toward repairing your communication is to take accountability. Reflect and recognize the role that you play in communication missteps within your relationship. 

Then, you must move forward with a focus on both personal growth and communal growth with your partner. Accountability and a commitment to growth can help set the stage for learning to communicate clearly, directly, and openly with each other.

Here are some tips to help you and your partner cultivate healthy and effective communication in your relationship.

1. Use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings

Focus on your own feelings first, instead of starting with what your partner may have done wrong. By avoiding blame, you lessen the chance of your partner feeling attacked and getting defensive. An effective way to do this is by using “I” statements to express your feelings. 

For example, if your partner came home late, try saying, “I missed you when you didn’t come home on time and felt sad. It left me wondering if you don’t like spending time with me.” 

This language shows your partner that you care about them and that their actions had a negative impact on you. By placing the focus on your feelings, you allow your partner to explain their perspective without feeling attacked. 

2. Listen to understand, not to respond

Listening to your partner without judging them or focusing on your own response can help prevent a discussion from escalating into an argument. It can also help your partner feel heard. 

When you listen from a place of curiosity, you will find that you become naturally more open minded to your partner’s perspective. This allows for mutual understanding which will open up the door for deeper bonding, rather than defensiveness.

3. Take a breather before discussing a conflict

Sometimes, we say things we don’t mean when we’re angry. For this reason, it’s best to step away from discussions when your emotions are high. In fact, research has found that we are unable to engage in effective communication when our heart rate gets too high, a phenomenon known as emotional flooding. 

Taking time to gather your thoughts and waiting until you’re calm will help you communicate more effectively with each other. It can also be helpful to check in with your partner about a time that would be good for them to continue the conversation. Allowing you both to feel in control, rather than pressured to resume when you’re not ready, will help the conversation be more productive. 

4. Focus on empathy and compromise

In a healthy relationship, your partner’s goal is not to hurt you. By working on understanding their experience rather than defending yours, you can begin to build empathy. Leading with empathy and a desire to understand your partner will open the doors to clearer and more open communication. 

This increased understanding can improve feelings of mutual respect in your relationship and support you both in compromising when challenges arise. 

Please note that if your partner engages in gaslighting or other forms of abuse, working on finding safety should become your primary goal, rather than empathizing with their perspective.

5. Get on the same team, and don’t give up 

If you’re finding it hard to communicate with your partner, remember that it can take time to build this skill. Relationships are complex, and learning to communicate effectively within any relationship can take effort and compromise from both parties. So don’t give up! 

Remember, you and your partner are on the same team. It can be helpful to visualize the issue as something you are battling together. So, rather than a “you versus them” mindset, consider joining forces toward the same goal: working together to defeat poor communication. By leaning into that mindset, you can help encourage each other to keep going and cheer each other on in the process. 

6. Get professional help

There is no wrong time to start therapy. Couples therapists can support you and your partner in learning the tips shared here, as well as other tools unique to you. They can then help you learn and practice healthy communication skills by giving you and your partner the space to practice them in session. They can also hold you both accountable for the shared goals you have for your relationship.

Why building stronger communication skills is worth it

Many of us didn’t learn healthy emotional regulation and communication skills when we were growing up. But thankfully, it’s never too late to learn and hone those skills. The benefits of effective communication include an overall improved relationship, the ability to handle difficult situations, and an increased capacity to adapt to different social settings. All of this can lead to better mental health and overall well-being.

How often should you communicate with your partner?

How often you choose to communicate with your partner will depend on your individual relationship and what works best for you. If you have trouble opening up regularly, try scheduling a time (either daily or weekly) to communicate about your relationship and how you’re both feeling. 

You can also use this time to brainstorm ways to overcome any disagreements. Having predictable and frequent opportunities for connection is essential to prevent small problems from becoming big ones.

And don’t forget to share positive experiences as well. For example, if you appreciate something your partner did for you or if you think you handled an issue well the day before, make sure your partner knows how much you appreciate their efforts.

Find care with Rula

If poor communication is taking a toll on your relationship or mental health, know that Rula is here to help. Rula’s network of therapists makes it easy to find a mental health professional to help you manage relationship conflicts, improve communication skills, and rebuild trust with your partner.

In as little as three minutes, you can use our therapist-matching program to connect with a therapist who takes your insurance and is accepting new clients. And our extensive network of therapists means you can be seen as early as this week.

Find a therapist with Rula