Key Takeaways
- Some signs of a controlling partner include invasions of privacy, financial control, and emotional manipulation.
- If you frequently feel insecure, guilty, isolated, or intimidated, you may have a controlling partner.
- To respond to a controlling partner, it helps to recognize the need for change, build a support network, and learn how to set healthy boundaries.
Having a controlling partner can be detrimental to your mental health, but it’s important to remember that it can happen to anyone. No matter your race, gender, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status, it’s possible to find yourself in a relationship where you no longer feel like yourself, or like you’re no longer in control of your life.
If you have a controlling partner, you might find it hard to make decisions, feel isolated from others, or question your thoughts and behaviors. The behaviors of controlling partners are not always obviously threatening or combative. Most of the time, these behaviors build slowly and subtly. But over time, they may lead to abusive behavior that can be life threatening.
Understanding controlling behavior in relationships
A controlling relationship is where there is a power imbalance between both partners. One partner dominates the relationship in a way that negatively impacts the other’s mental and emotional well-being. Sometimes, the person who is being controlled may not even realize what’s happening. This is emotional manipulation, which can lead to emotional and physical abuse. So it’s important to know the warning signs of a relationship that may become toxic or violent.
A healthy relationship is one where you feel loved, supported, and free to be yourself. A toxic relationship is one where you feel judged, disrespected, and unable to be yourself. The mental and emotional impact of a controlling relationship can make you feel insecure, guilty, isolated, or intimidated by your partner. You may also experience a decrease in self-confidence and an increase in anxiety or depression. It can also affect your physical health. So recognizing the difference between a partner who cares for you and a partner who wants to control you is critical.
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Nine signs of a controlling partner
If you’re in a relationship with a controlling partner, it can sometimes be difficult to recognize it. But by becoming familiar with some key signs, you can empower yourself to notice when you’re in an unhealthy relationship. Then, you can take the necessary steps to respond and protect yourself.
Some common signs of a controlling partner include:
1. Invasion of privacy
Your partner intrudes on your personal life without your consent. They may check your phone, go through your emails, lurk on your social media accounts, snoop around your personal belongings, or monitor your daily activities.
2. Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
Your partner has an irrational belief that you are being unfaithful (without evidence) and demands your full attention and love. They may accuse you of infidelity, be paranoid about you cheating, or prevent you from being around other people you may find attractive.
3. Isolation from friends and family
Your partner prevents you from seeing friends or family members, causing you to be dependent on them for social interactions. They may tell you that you don’t need anyone else, ask you to spend more time with them than your family or friends, or get angry when you spend time with other people.
4. Financial control
Your partner creates rules to manage your financial resources. They may restrict your access to shared or individual funds, monitor how you spend your money, or make you rely on them for financial support and guidance.
5. Emotional manipulation
Your partner controls your emotions by using methods that distort your perception of self. They may use gaslighting techniques during conflict, guilt-trip you into giving them what they want, or shift the blame to you for any harm they’ve done.
6. Conditional love and approval
Your partner convinces you that their love is based on certain conditions or actions that you must meet. For example, they may withhold affection when their expectations are not met or make you conform to certain behaviors or attitudes. They may even threaten to leave the relationship if you don’t do what they want.
7. Intimidation and threats
Your partner uses tactics to pressure you to think or act a certain way. They may threaten you (either violently or non-violently), use emotional or physical coercion to control your behavior, or say hostile things to you.
8. Unpredictable reactions and mood swings
Your partner’s emotional reactions and moods constantly fluctuate, creating a fearful environment. In response, you may feel like you need to constantly watch your words and actions to prevent them from having an emotional outburst. You may also feel like you can’t predict how your partner will react to things you do. This can cause you to feel emotionally exhausted around them.
9. Overprotectiveness masked as concern
Your partner provides protection that is beyond what is necessary. For example, they may excessively check in on your location, monitor your daily behavior, or restrict your personal freedom.
How to respond to a controlling partner
If you find yourself in a relationship with a controlling partner, know that help is available and there are steps you can take to change your situation.
- Recognize the need for change. Take time to self-reflect through journaling or talking to someone you trust. This will allow you to better understand how negatively your controlling partner’s behavior is impacting your mental health.
- Take steps to protect yourself and recover. Whether you have decided to stay or leave your controlling partner, you will need to build a support network. One of the best things you can do to start is seek help from a mental health professional.
- Take note of legal and safety considerations. Gather legal information you may need to know, such as your rights as a survivor of intimate partner violence. Get help by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) to find resources in your area. Create a practical safety plan that you can use should you need to protect yourself from your controlling partner.
- Prevent further emotional damage. Whether you choose to stay or leave your controlling partner is up to you. However, to prevent further emotional damage, you’ll need to set boundaries, use effective and assertive communication, and create a safety plan. A therapist can help you with all of these steps.
Find care with Rula
Everyone deserves to feel loved and secure in their relationships. So it’s important to recognize the early signs of a controlling partner and learn how to respond to their behavior.
At Rula, we make it simple to find the right therapist for your unique needs. Our therapist-matching platform can help you find someone who takes your insurance and treats your specific mental health concerns. Plus, our extensive network of therapists means you can meet with a provider for an online appointment as soon as tomorrow.
About the author
Oludara Adeeyo, LCSW
Oludara Adeeyo, LCSW is a therapist and author who is passionate about helping others improve their overall well-being. She has extensive experience treating mood disorders, personality disorders, and thought disorders for diverse populations. Oludara is the bestselling author of "Self-Care for Black Women" which shares advice and activities designed to help Black women outwardly express their inner joy. Oludara’s writing has also appeared in Women’s Health and Wondermind.
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