Navigating the stages of guilt after cheating

Healthy relationships thrive on a fulfilling emotional connection, consistent communication, and trust. If you break that trust through cheating — whether it’s a one-time occurrence or a behavioral pattern — you may experience guilt. Learning about these stages of guilt after cheating can help you prepare for any feelings that arise and provide you with guidance as you navigate them. 

The emotions you may feel after cheating will likely depend on your particular relationship and the nature of the infidelity. Some people may immediately experience remorse afterward. For others, it may take some time for regret to set in, or it may not occur at all. 

Just as the aftermath of cheating can take an emotional toll on your partner, it can also wear you down too. You may question your morals and whether you should be in a relationship. But there’s hope. Talking with a therapist can help you self-reflect, provide support, and decide on next steps.  

What are the stages of grief after cheating? 

The guilt that follows cheating can feel similar to the stages of grief. This is because both involve significant emotional upheaval, including feelings like denial, shame, sadness, and regret. 

It’s important to note that everyone’s experience is different. You might move through all the stages, only some, or cycle through them more than once. 

Additionally, there’s no guaranteed timeline. Your guilt may fade after you’ve come to terms with your actions. Or some guilt may linger long after the cheating happens, especially if healing or resolution hasn’t yet taken place.

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Denial 

When someone does something they feel guilty about, they can unconsciously slip into denial. Sometimes, this denial acts as a defensive mechanism. They might tell themselves it was a “one-time thing” or pretend it didn’t happen. In this stage, some people may also mislead or withhold information from their partners to avoid consequences. It’s important to remember that this is different from gaslighting, which involves a repeated pattern of intentional manipulation and control.

Anger

People who have cheated might feel angry — whether it’s directed at themselves, their partner, the person (or people) they cheated with, or the situation itself. Anger can also turn into defensiveness, which can look like denial. 

It can also appear as hostility, with harsh accusations directed at their partner. These accusations might sound like, “You drove me to cheat,” or, “It’s your fault I cheated.” 

Bargaining

Bargaining is an attempt at controlling a situation. People who’ve cheated might think they can get their partner back by convincing them they’ll never cheat again. Usually, bargaining involves “if” statements, like, “If she gives me another chance, I can prove I’m loyal,” or, “If only I hadn’t gone out, I wouldn’t have been tempted by that guy.” 

Someone who cheats might feel desperate to earn back their partners’ trust or go to great lengths to alleviate their guilt. But bargaining isn’t the same as taking accountability for actions. 

Depression

Feelings of depression can also be part of the stages of guilt. People who’ve been unfaithful can experience deep sadness, remorse, and shame. They might have low energy, feel hopeless, or lose interest in activities they used to enjoy. 

Acceptance

In this stage, people accept responsibility for their actions and the consequences. Many people try to atone, like with a heartfelt apology and a promise to themselves or their partner to not repeat their mistakes. 

At this stage, you may also continue self-reflection, examining what led to your cheating and how you can make different choices in the future. 

Examining other feelings besides guilt 

Guilt isn’t the only emotion at play after someone cheats. If you’ve been unfaithful, you might experience a range of emotions, like insecurity, anxiety, sadness, and shame.

 If your infidelity involved emotional cheating — situations where you’ve developed a deep emotional bond with someone outside of your relationship — it may be harder to resolve. Research suggests that emotional cheating can be harder for people to forgive. 

Whatever you feel, let yourself move through each emotion without judgment. Addressing these emotions is essential for moving past the cheating. Repressing or avoiding your emotions can increase your risk of developing mental health conditions like anxiety or depression. Working with a therapist can help you navigate this experience with self-compassion and potentially rebuild trust with your partner. 

How to move past guilt after cheating

If you’re struggling to overcome your guilt after cheating, know that it’s normal. You may regret hurting someone you care about. 

Consider these healthy steps to face your guilt, move past the cheating, and grow: 

• Apologize to your partner. While your current or former partner might not be willing to talk in the aftermath of cheating, you can apologize for the impact your infidelity had on them. It’s important to approach this conversation sensitively and respect their boundaries. 
• Journal about your feelings. Journaling can be a healthy way to reflect on your experience, recognize any patterns, and help you recognize subconscious feelings.
• Forgive yourself. It may take some time to work through the stages of guilt after cheating before you can truly forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself can look like a commitment to do better. Or perhaps it’s simply an acknowledgment that you’re human and made mistakes. 
• Try therapy. A therapist can help you explore the motivations behind your cheating and support you in taking accountability. Approaches, like cognitive behavioral therapy, can help you identify and reframe unhelpful thoughts related to the experience and guide you toward healthier patterns of thinking and behavior.

Find care with Rula

Coming to terms with your cheating can be a challenging experience that brings up many complex emotions — from guilt and shame to regret and sadness. Understanding the stages of guilt after cheating can help you navigate these feelings and move forward in a healthy way. Whatever you decide next, a therapist can support you. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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