Using healthy boundaries to protect your mental health

One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is the idea that they should shape other people’s behavior. For example, let’s say you have a family member who’s a night owl. They tend to call you after you’ve already gone to bed. But since you have to wake up early for work, you silence your phone and ignore their calls. 

In this case, the boundary is the choice you’re making for yourself: not getting on the phone after a certain hour. It’s a decision that prioritizes your well-being and honors your need for rest. The boundary here isn’t designed to keep your loved one from calling (although setting clear expectations is important, and it’d be OK to make that request). 

Boundaries are the personal limits we set for ourselves, not others. Depending on the situation, they can be fixed or flexible, and they can also evolve over time.

Why boundaries matter for mental health

Boundaries can help protect your mental health in several ways. They do this by:

• Helping you feel safe and secure around others and in your environment
• Allowing you to set and communicate expectations and limits in relationships
• Helping you be yourself instead of adapting to others’ wishes
• Protecting you from harm and helping ensure that your needs are met

At the same time, not having healthy boundaries can negatively affect your mental health in many settings. For example, research shows that a lack of boundaries at work can lead to:

• Reduced happiness
• Emotional exhaustion
• Difficulty maintaining a healthy lifestyle
• Limited ability to detach from work
• Increased conflict in relationships
• Trouble focusing and maintaining productivity

What different boundaries can look like

Everyone has different needs in relationships. Your boundaries might vary significantly from others’ and will likely change depending on the environment (i.e. at work, in relationships, for physical space, etc). The following examples can help you brainstorm your personal boundaries so that you feel safe, secure, and respected in your relationships.

• Social boundaries: You get exhausted easily in social situations. So you limit the time you spend at in-person gatherings. This helps you truly enjoy the time you share with friends and loved ones.
• Work-life boundaries: You’re an hourly remote employee, and your shift ends at 5 p.m. So you promptly sign off at that time each day to have a clear separation between work and home life.
• Digital boundaries: Spending too much time scrolling on social media negatively impacts your self-image. So you’ve placed specific limits on your screen time.
• Physical boundaries: You get uncomfortable with close physical contact, especially with people you don’t know well. When someone tries to hug you, you take a step back and say, “Oh, I’m not much of a hugger” and extend a hand instead.
• Emotional boundaries: One of your friends has been having a very rough year. Every time you talk to them, they’re in crisis mode, and you notice yourself feeling depleted after speaking with them. So you let them know how these conversations are affecting you, reassure them that you care, and encourage them to seek professional help.
• Conflict boundaries: When your family starts talking about politics, it devolves into conflict quickly. So you let them know you’re not willing to discuss those issues and physically remove yourself from the conversation when tempers flare up.
• Dietary boundaries: You’ve recently committed to a plant-based diet for your health. During a potluck at work, your boss pressures you to eat the chicken casserole they prepared. You tell them you appreciate the offer but politely decline due to your dietary restrictions.
• Workload boundaries: A colleague asks you to complete several tasks that aren’t part of your job. You let them know that you’re at capacity and offer to help them delegate or reprioritize their existing workload.

Setting and enforcing your boundaries

If you’ve ever had trouble setting boundaries, you’re not alone. Many of us didn’t grow up with healthy examples of boundary setting, and it can feel scary to think that we might let someone down or hurt their feelings. 

However, with the right approach, you can set boundaries that honor your commitments to yourself while also being kind and respectful to others. You can do this by:

• Knowing the difference between assertive and aggressive communication: Assertive communication sounds something like, “When you do X, I feel Y, so, in response, I will Z.” It’s not about insulting anyone or making demands. Assertive communication can help you clearly convey your expectations and what will happen if they aren’t respected.
• Remembering that “no” is a complete sentence: You have the right to say no to anyone any time you feel your boundaries are at risk. You also don’t owe anyone an explanation about why your boundaries exist. 
• Improving your self-esteem: When you love and respect yourself, you’re more likely to safeguard your well-being with boundaries. To build your self-esteem, focus on being kind to yourself, setting small goals, and recognizing your achievements. Challenge negative thoughts, and remind yourself of your strengths. 
• Asking for help when you need it: If you’re struggling with boundaries and it’s negatively affecting your mental health, relationships, or daily functioning, talking to a therapist can help.

Find care with Rula

Having healthy boundaries is an important part of maintaining your mental health. Without them, you could risk burnout, conflict, and detachment. Boundaries aren’t always easy to set, and sometimes saying “no” can make you feel uncomfortable. But with a little practice, you can learn to clearly communicate whatever you need to feel safe, secure, and respected in your relationships.

If you need help with boundaries or another mental health concern, you can access the support you deserve with Rula. To start the process today, check out our therapist-matching program. You can sort through our network of over 10,000 providers and find a therapist who takes your insurance in just a few clicks. And once you select a Rula provider, you won’t have to wait weeks or months for an appointment. You can schedule your first live video session for as soon as tomorrow.

Find a therapist with Rula