What it means to have an avoidant attachment style

Attachment styles develop during childhood and shape how you connect with others and respond to intimacy throughout your life. People with an avoidant attachment style may have a hard time developing and maintaining close, healthy relationships. They may seem distant or emotionally reserved, leaving some to wonder whether they’re actually interested in meaningful connections. 

However, people with an avoidant attachment style typically desire closeness, even if they have trouble maintaining it. By learning more about attachment styles, we can challenge these misconceptions and help more people access support to improve their relationships.

A note on language: Exploring attachment styles can help you better understand yourself and others. However, keep in mind that an attachment style isn’t a mental health diagnosis, and these labels can have a stigmatizing effect for some people. As you explore the following information, keep in mind that someone’s attachment style can change over time, and it’s only one part of their identity. Most people can improve their ability to relate to others with the right support.

Different types of avoidant attachment styles

Some experts divide avoidant attachment style into two categories. Here’s what sets them apart:

• A dismissive avoidant attachment style is characterized by emotional detachment, a strong need for independence, and discomfort with vulnerability.
• An anxious avoidant (also known as disorganized) attachment style involves both a desire for closeness and a deep fear of intimacy, often stemming from past trauma or inconsistent caregiving. This can lead to conflicting behaviors in relationships.

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Traits that may stem from avoidant attachment

Like other attachment styles, avoidant attachment can affect individuals and relationships in many different ways. But some of the most common traits that can stem from an avoidant attachment style include:

• A strong preference toward independence
• Discomfort with emotional vulnerability or deep intimacy
• Difficulty trusting others, especially in emotional situations
• A tendency to retreat when someone tries to get close
• Difficulting expressing emotions and personal needs in relationships

Root causes of avoidant attachment

Attachment is a complex topic. For example, siblings can grow up in the same home and family structure and respond in different ways. However, research shows that most attachment patterns often stem from early experiences with caregivers. While abuse or neglect can lead to avoidant attachment, it can also develop when caregivers repeatedly dismiss or ignore a child’s emotional needs.

In the study of human development, the term “attachment” is used to describe the bond between children and their primary caregivers. According to attachment theory, these early connections can influence how we connect to others later in life. 

For example, let’s say your parents modeled and encouraged emotional expression in your home when you were young. Later on, you might be more comfortable opening up and sharing your feelings with friends and partners. This is just one way that healthy caregiver-child relationships can promote a secure attachment style. 

In contrast, an avoidant attachment style is characterized by a discomfort with closeness. This attachment style can arise, in part, out of negative experiences with caregivers in childhood. For example, if your parents ridiculed you every time you cried or got upset, you may have learned that it wasn’t safe to express your feelings. So, as an adult, you might avoid emotional intimacy in an attempt to protect yourself.

Is an avoidant attachment necessarily bad?

Avoidant attachment isn’t inherently good or bad. What matters most is how your attachment style affects you and others. If you discover that you have an avoidant attachment style, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean you don’t want to have meaningful relationships with the people you care about. But if you want to change how you view yourself and/or relate to others, talking to a therapist can help.

How to overcome an avoidant attachment style

To overcome an attachment style, therapy can help. Approaches like attachment-based therapy, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can support healing. They do this by helping you explore how your early experiences shape your thoughts, emotions, and relationship patterns. A therapist will work with you to identify which approach will best support your unique needs and goals.

Attachment therapy emphasizes the importance of the therapeutic relationship. Therapy can help you practice developing an open, trusting connection with another person. It can also create a safe place to experiment with vulnerability, practice expressing feelings, and overcome the tendency to avoid emotional discomfort.

Once you’ve built a foundation of trust with your therapist, attachment therapy can help you practice skills that can encourage secure attachment. These might include:

• Naming and expressing your feelings (especially uncomfortable ones)
• Assertively asking for what you need instead of avoiding difficult conversations
• Challenging unhelpful thought patterns that may be tied to past experiences with caregivers (like “unless I’m perfect, I’m unlovable”)
• Learning to accept support and compassion from other people 
• Increasing your sense of self-compassion and reducing shame through journaling

Find care with Rula

Our ability to connect with others and form relationships as adults is shaped, in many ways, by our childhood experiences. When caregivers are unable to provide consistent love, nurturing, and support, children can develop attachment difficulties. Some people develop an avoidant attachment style, meaning they tend to avoid emotional intimacy. This can make it hard to create and sustain healthy relationships. But, fortunately, with the right support, you can shift your attachment style and learn to form secure bonds with the people you love.  

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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