Key Takeaways
- Making friends as an autistic adult can be challenging. But with the right approach and environment, it’s absolutely possible to build meaningful connections.
- Socializing may feel overwhelming for autistic adults due to difficulty with small talk, sensory sensitivities, or reading social cues. But finding spaces that feel comfortable and practicing social skills can help.
- Quality matters more than quantity when it comes to friendships. And therapy can offer guidance in building relationships that feel safe and fulfilling.
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) — commonly referred to as autism — is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how you think, communicate, and interact with the world. Every autistic person is different, but many share common experiences, including challenges with socializing. Many autistic people struggle with friendship, and if you do too, you’re not alone. It’s common for autistic adults to find socializing difficult, and that’s OK.
Friendship can be challenging, but it also has big benefits. Having supportive friends can reduce stress, improve mental health, and bring joy. Making friends as an autistic adult can come with unique challenges, but it’s absolutely possible.
With the right approach, you can build connections that feel safe, fulfilling, and true to who you are. Therapy can help you navigate social challenges and build the skills to form lasting friendships.
Why it can be hard to make friends as an adult with autism
Making friends as an autistic adult can be hard, but it’s not impossible. You might just need a different approach.
For people with autism, friendship can feel challenging for several reasons:
- Small talk and social rules can feel confusing or pointless. Many social interactions start with small talk, but it might not come naturally to you. You might wonder what to say, struggle to keep the conversation going, or feel like the topics people discuss are unimportant. This can make it hard to connect with others in casual settings.
- Loud, busy places might be overwhelming if you have sensory sensitivities. Many social events happen in places like crowded restaurants, noisy parties, or bright environments. If you’re sensitive to loud sounds, bright lights, or strong smells, these settings can make it tough to focus on conversations or enjoy being around others.
- Picking up on social or emotional cues can be tricky, making it hard to know what others are thinking. You might have trouble recognizing when someone is joking, wants to change the subject, or is upset. This can lead to misunderstandings or make it hard to socialize.
- Masking — hiding parts of yourself to fit in — can make socializing exhausting. You might have learned to copy social behaviors to blend in, like forcing eye contact, laughing at jokes you don’t find funny, or pretending to enjoy conversations that feel draining. While masking can help in some situations, it can also be tiring and make friendships feel like hard work instead of something enjoyable.
These challenges don’t mean you can’t have meaningful friendships. You may just need to find connections that work for you in ways that feel comfortable and natural.
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Six practical ways to make friends as an autistic adult
Making friends can feel overwhelming, but, with the right approach, it’s possible to build meaningful connections. Here are some practical tips to help you navigate friendships in a way that feels comfortable and true to who you are.
1. Find comfortable social environments
Loud, crowded places can be overwhelming. Instead, look for spaces that match your interests and sensory needs. If you love reading, a quiet book club at your local library might be a better fit than a noisy cafe meetup.
If socializing in person feels draining, online communities focused on your interests — like gaming, art, or science — can help you connect with others in a way that feels more natural.
Smaller gatherings — like a local run club or crafting group — can also provide social interaction without the sensory overload.
2. Learn and practice social scripts
Knowing what to say in certain situations can make socializing easier. Practicing common scripts — like how to introduce yourself, ask about someone’s day, or suggest making plans — can help you feel more confident in conversations.
It’s OK to keep things simple and stick to what feels natural for you. If you want extra support, a therapist can help you practice social skills and find strategies that work best for you.
3. Ask questions if you’re unsure
Social expectations can be confusing sometimes. If you’re unsure what someone means or how to respond, it’s OK to ask. A simple, “Could you clarify what you mean?” or, “I want to make sure I understand” can help you navigate conversations without guessing.
4. Unmask to build deeper connections
Masking — hiding your natural behaviors to blend in — can be exhausting. While it might feel necessary at times, long-term friendships are easier and more fulfilling when you can be yourself. It can feel intimidating, but small steps can make it more manageable.
Practicing self-acceptance, focusing on what brings you joy, and setting healthy boundaries can help you feel more comfortable. Connecting with other autistic people can also provide a safe space where you can be yourself and gain support. Gradually unmasking around trusted people can help you build deeper, more fulfilling connections.
5. Show up in your own way
You don’t have to be the loudest or most outgoing person in the room to be a good friend. Friendships come in many forms. You might show you care by listening, sharing your interests, or being reliable.
Your way of connecting is valid and valuable. Whether you’re the one who leads the conversation or the one who quietly supports others, you can find people who appreciate you for who you truly are.
6. Be patient with yourself
Friendships take time to grow. It’s OK if you don’t click with everyone or if socializing feels tiring at first. Take things at your own pace, and celebrate small steps forward.
Making friends as an autistic adult comes with challenges, but it’s absolutely possible. By finding environments that feel right for you, practicing social skills, and building connections with people who appreciate you, you can form friendships that are meaningful and fulfilling.
When it feels like friendship on the spectrum is out of reach
Feeling lonely or like you can’t find your place in friendships can be painful. It’s normal to feel frustrated or unsure at times. Sometimes, it may seem like everyone else has lots of friends, but that doesn’t mean you should compare yourself to them. Everyone’s friendship journey is different.
Remember, it’s not about how many friends you have. Rather, what’s most important is the quality of your friendships. You don’t need a huge circle. Even a few close, supportive friends can help you feel connected and understood.
If you want to make new friends or deepen the friendships you already have, therapy can help. A therapist can help with things like cultivating self-compassion, learning new social skills, and understanding how to set healthy boundaries with others. It’s all part of building meaningful connections that work for you. You’re not alone in this journey, and therapy can be a helpful tool to guide you.
Find care with Rula
Making friends as an autistic adult can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. While socializing may feel difficult, it’s important to remember that you don’t need a large circle of friends. The quality of your friendships matters more than how many friends you have. Therapy can be a great resource to help you navigate social challenges, build social skills, and strengthen existing connections. With the right support and approach, you can create meaningful and lasting friendships that are true to who you are.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
About the author
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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