Addressing attention-seeking behavior in children

Children from a young age naturally engage in attention-seeking behaviors to get their needs met. For example, a hungry baby might cry in their crib until an adult comes over to feed them. A toddler who fell but didn’t get hurt may signal they are sad in order to receive the emotional comfort they need. 

Attention-seeking behavior may get a bad rap, even though it isn’t always negative. After all, children don’t usually have the skills — whether through their behaviors or emotions — to communicate their wants and needs. As a child, it’s both developmentally appropriate as well as good to be able to signal to others that you need help. 

But sometimes attention-seeking behavior can veer into territory that includes acting out and misbehaving. While it may be frustrating and challenging at times, there are ways to rein behavior back in. Often, it involves connecting with your child in different ways so you can learn what they need and how you can help. 

Examples of attention-seeking in children

Attention-seeking behavior varies according to your child’s age. A young baby might cry for hours. Children old enough to talk might stretch the truth or lie. These behaviors all signal something more — a need that should be met or a skill that should be developed. 

Attention-seeking behavior often is labeled as misbehavior, and it may be a kid’s genuine plea for your time and energy. 

Some common signs of attention-seeking behavior include:  

• Tantrums
• Interrupting or ignoring 
• Running away
• Not listening or poor listening
• Lying or exaggerating
• Hitting, kicking, or other forms of aggression
• Frequently showing off work or accomplishments 
• Excessively raising their hand or talking in class
• Yelling
• Whining
• Arguing
• Disobeying

Adults can also engage in attention-seeking behavior. But it might look different than in children, sometimes including: 

• Crossing social boundaries, like sharing overly personal information with a stranger
• Posting excessively on social media
• Being excessively dramatic or emotional in public
• Fishing for compliments or validation from others
• Sharing a controversial opinion to get attention
• Acting like they can’t do something to get help and attention from people
• Feeling slighted or ignored if they’re not the center of attention 

When does a child’s attention-seeking become a problem?

Like adults, children often communicate their wants more with their behavior than with their words. No matter our age, it can be vulnerable to state exactly what we want, which is why we often rely on indirect ways. And for young children, they might not have the communication skills yet to convey exactly what they need or want. 

For instance, a child whose parents are in the middle of a divorce might act out in school because they are absorbing the stress of their home environment. On the surface, it might seem like this child is disruptive for no reason. But they may not have the coping strategies or outlets to process how the divorce is affecting them as well. 

However, this behavior can begin to impact others or escalate in severity, like when a child hurts someone physically, steals, or destroys property. This can get them in trouble at school or even with the law.

Sometimes children seek out strangers’ attention. This might happen if their parent or caregiver routinely changes, like if they’re in foster care, or even ignores them. They might want another adult to validate their behavior to prove to themselves they matter. This can be dangerous if this attention is from an adult who isn’t safe. 

What’s the root cause of attention-seeking behavior?

The root of attention-seeking behavior lies in attachment. We’re hardwired to pursue other peoples’ time and resources because that’s how we survived as babies. It’s also how we learned to healthily — or unhealthily — attach to other people.

Attention seeking can be a way for kids to communicate their needs. Sometimes it’s part of their personality. Attention-seeking behavior can also be a sign of underlying mental health conditions, including personality disorders in adults. For children, it can look like: 

• Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD): ODD is characterized by a frequent and ongoing pattern of anger, irritability, arguing, and defiance toward parents and other authority figures.
• Reactive attachment disorder (RAD): Children with RAD have trouble managing their emotions. They struggle to form meaningful connections with other people, rarely seek or show signs of comfort, and may seem fearful of or anxious around their caretakers.
• Disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED): This disorder makes it difficult for children to form emotional bonds with others. It’s characterized by a lack of fear of strangers and a tendency to be overly friendly and familiar with them.

How to respond to your child who’s acting out for attention

While attention-seeking behavior might come from a genuine place of need, it can also disrupt your life and your child’s life. Addressing attention-seeking behaviors starts with understanding its roots.

As a parent or caregiver, you can learn more about your child’s behavior and how you can support them through these ways: 

• Identify patterns. Notice what happened right before your child expressed the attention seeking behavior and how you typically respond. This can give you insight into the established pattern and you can begin to adjust it to meet your child’s needs. 
• Connect with your child. Spend regular one-on-one time with your child where you two can genuinely connect. Your child may turn to attention-seeking behaviors less if they feel like they have a strong relationship with you. 
• Ask your child what’s wrong when they’re calm. Try to figure out what’s behind their behavior through gentle questions. Remaining sensitive to your tone and the time and place, ask something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been upset lately. What’s been going on?”
• Reward positive behavior. When your child behaves in the way that you like to see, show them you’ve noticed with a hug or words. For instance, when your child communicates with you instead of acting out, you can say “Thank you for letting me know you didn’t like that”.
• Be present. Many parents are on their devices frequently. Try to resist this urge when you’re with your child and give them the gift of quality time.

Therapy, including family therapy, can also go a long way toward uncovering the roots of attention-seeking behaviors and reducing the behaviors over time. Family therapy can include the entire family, but it doesn’t have to. The goal of this type of therapy is to heal the relationship between family members.

With family therapy, you can learn why your child might be acting out for attention and how to get them the support they need. It can also help you and your child learn better communication. 

Find care with Rula

A child’s attention-seeking behaviors can be disruptive for you and your family. But sometimes it’s a way for a child to communicate that something’s wrong, or it could be a sign of an underlying mental health condition that potentially requires professional support. 

Rula can help you understand your child better and help reduce their attention-seeking behavior. Its extensive network includes over 10,000 therapists who are trained to listen empathetically and meet your therapy goals. Connect with one via live video as soon as tomorrow.

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