Attachment styles: Why they matter and how to identify your style

Have you ever noticed that certain patterns keep coming up for you in close relationships? Maybe you struggle with vulnerability or tend to sabotage your partnerships when things are going well. Or perhaps you constantly fear rejection or spend a lot of time worrying that your partner is going to leave you. 

Research suggests that these habits and behavior patterns may stem from early emotional bonds with our caregivers. This framework is called attachment theory, and it states that our earliest interactions with caregivers impact our relationship dynamics throughout life. 

What are attachment styles?

According to attachment theory, people’s early interactions with their caregivers influence their attachment style. Your attachment style dictates your ability to relate to and connect with others later in life. When people grow up feeling safe and protected, they’re more likely to develop a secure attachment style. But if their caregivers aren’t sensitive to their emotional needs, they have a higher chance of developing an insecure (avoidant, anxious, or disorganized) attachment style. 

An insecure attachment style poses an increased risk for anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and relationship issues. Conversely, people with a secure attachment style are more likely to be confident, trusting, and satisfied with their close relationships.

What are the different types of attachment styles?

According to attachment theory, there are four different attachment styles: one secure and three insecure. Identifying your attachment style is an important step in recognizing behavior patterns and developing healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

1. Secure attachment style

People who grew up feeling safe, supported, and understood by their primary caregivers are more likely to develop a secure attachment style. A secure attachment provides people with the foundation to build and maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships throughout their adult life. They may still experience ups and downs in their relationships, but they understand how to express their needs, respect boundaries, and manage conflict. 

If any of the following sound familiar, you may have a secure attachment style.

• You’re comfortable sharing your feelings, fears, and needs with your partner.
• You’re able to navigate relationship problems with empathy, respect, and a willingness to compromise.
• You understand how to balance intimacy and independence and don’t depend on your partner for fulfillment or validation. 
• You’re confident in who you are and feel comfortable being yourself with close friends and romantic partners. 

2. Anxious attachment style

An anxious-ambivalent attachment style, also called ambivalent attachment or anxious attachment, is one example of an insecure attachment style. People with ambivalent attachment crave committed relationships but have trouble trusting others after being inconsistently cared for as a child. Codependency, low self-esteem, and poor emotional regulation are common with this attachment style. 

If any of the following sound familiar, you may have an anxious attachment style.

• You want love and commitment but struggle with the idea of being abandoned or rejected.
• You struggle with communication and find it difficult to open up to other people. 
• You have trouble respecting boundaries and may use manipulative behaviors to keep your partners close. 
• You associate your self-worth with your relationships and may come off as needy when you feel like your partner isn’t treating you well. 

3. Disorganized attachment style

Disorganized attachment, sometimes referred to as anxious-avoidant attachment, also stems from inconsistent caregiving and is often associated with childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect. People with disorganized attachment desire intimacy but fear getting too close to others. Poor emotional regulation, limited coping skills, and trouble trusting others are common. 

If any of the following sound familiar, you may have a disorganized attachment style.

• You’ve been told you give off mixed signals, being clingy one day and then pushing your partner away the next.
• You intentionally sabotage relationships by picking fights, hurting the other person, or doing something to make them break up with you. 
• You often feel unworthy of love and security.
• You find yourself looking for signs of rejection or betrayal from your partner, even when you’re in a happy and committed relationship.

4. Avoidant attachment style

A third example of an insecure attachment style is dismissive avoidant attachment, sometimes just called avoidant attachment. People with this attachment style prefer casual relationships that don’t require meaningful connection or closeness with others. They value their freedom and independence and struggle with the idea of emotional intimacy. 

If any of the following sound familiar, you may have an avoidant attachment style.

• You value self-sufficiency and prefer that others don’t rely on you. 
• You struggle with vulnerability and avoid sharing your fears and feelings with others.
• You have trouble expressing your emotions, even with yourself. 
• You’ve been told that you’re emotionally distant or aloof in relationships.  

What causes attachment styles?

Attachment theory states that attachment styles are based on our relationships with our primary caregivers. Children who were consistently cared for tend to be securely attached, while inconsistent caregiving leads to insecure attachment styles. 

Several factors that can cause an insecure attachment. For example, losing a caregiver, being separated from your caregiver, and growing up in an unstable environment can contribute to an insecure attachment style. Having a caregiver with unmanaged mental health conditions, substance use issues, or limited resources and support may also influence your attachment style. 

Find care with Rula

Attachment styles play an important role in how people build and maintain relationships. If you’re struggling to find meaningful connection with others or overcome past trauma, it might be time to speak with a mental health professional. 

Fortunately, if you have an insecure attachment style, it’s possible to heal and become securely attached. Rula’s network of therapists makes it easy to find a professional who practices attachment-based therapy, takes your insurance, and is currently accepting new clients. And, our network of over 10,000 therapists means you can be seen as soon as tomorrow. 

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