Why breakup anxiety hits hard and how to get back on your feet

Breakups can be very painful and traumatic. No matter how it ended or why, the loss of a romantic partner can set off a whirlwind of intense and conflicting emotions. You may go from feeling deeply sad to elated to angry to hopeful to nostalgic, all in a matter of hours or even minutes. This emotional rollercoaster won’t last forever. But, in the moment, it may feel like it will never end.

Is it normal to feel anxious after a breakup?

Anxiety is a perfectly normal emotion following a breakup. Not only have you lost someone close to you who you regularly see and depend on, but breakups also force major changes in your life. You may have lost a shared routine, home, mutual friends and activities, and a predictable social life. These ingredients can cause a perfect storm for anxiety to take over. 

If you already have attachment anxiety, you might experience more distress after a breakup. You might also have more trouble emotionally adjusting to this big change. While not a clinical diagnosis, people with attachment anxiety often worry excessively about abandonment or rejection from people they love. This usually traces back to early childhood experiences with a parent or caregiver. A breakup can exacerbate these feelings, especially if you’re the one who was dumped.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can also get worse with the end of a romantic relationship. OCD involves unwanted obsessive thoughts followed by behaviors to try to stop the obsessions. One study showed that people who didn’t meet the diagnostic criteria of OCD before a breakup were more likely to have diagnosable OCD symptoms after one.  

Symptoms of breakup anxiety

Anyone who’s gone through a breakup knows the pain isn’t just emotional. It can also be physical — whether that’s a painful tug in your chest that won’t let up for hours or days or an ache in your throat. Sometimes, our bodies express internal emotional pain through physical responses.

Your hormonal balance may also take a temporary hit. When you’re in a romantic relationship or even something less defined, your brain enjoys oxytocin (known as the “love drug”). Oxytocin helps strengthen trust, reduces stress and anxiety, and generally makes you feel good. 

Other hormones enter the mix too. These include dopamine (which can make you feel euphoric, similar to the effects of cocaine or alcohol) and endorphins (which act as pain relievers and reduce stress). After a breakup, the levels of these chemicals fall suddenly. Your stress levels can also increase as cortisol (a stress hormone) goes up. 

So it’s no wonder that you might feel anxious in the wake of a split; your body is going through a lot. It’s normal to feel these symptoms after a breakup:   

• Low self-esteem: The loss of a partner, especially if you were broken up with, could lead to feelings of worthlessness or failure. 
• Depression: It’s normal to feel down post-breakup, especially if you were planning a future with your former partner.
• Anger: Even if the relationship ended on a good note, you may feel some anger toward your ex or even yourself while reflecting on your relationship. 
• Insomnia: Processing a breakup is a form of grief. And people going through grief often report more difficulty sleeping. 
• Heart pain: Broken hearts are real. Broken heart syndrome can happen after a loss like a breakup. It involves sudden, intense chest pain, similar to how a heart attack feels. 
• Physical pain: Emotional and physical pain are activated in the same parts of the brain. So you’re probably not imagining the pain you feel in your chest or elsewhere after a split.
• Anxiety: The conflicting and difficult emotions experienced after a breakup aren’t exactly conducive to being calm. Additionally, feeling anxiety after the loss of someone so central to your life is completely normal. 

How to deal with anxiety from a breakup

Your mental health may be in shambles after a breakup. You may be more stressed, exhausted, or prone to volatile emotions. The post-breakup process is similar to the grieving process. You may feel foggy because of how grief affects the brain. This is why it’s even more crucial to prioritize your mental health in the days, weeks, and months following such a major change in your life. 

Don’t force yourself to get over your ex and your previously shared life within a certain timeline. Putting pressure on your recovery time will likely only make you more anxious and delay the post-breakup process. 

Caring for yourself after a breakup

There are plenty of ways to soothe your anxiety after a breakup. Just know that it will take some work, and it won’t be immediate. 

Here are some strategies:

• Try meditation. Quieting your mind and practicing being present can help quell anxiety not just during meditation but throughout your day as well.
• Avoid alcohol. Alcohol can make you feel more anxious, so it’s best to cut it out for a while after a breakup. 
• Spend time with your support system. If you’re prone to rumination (which can affect people with OCD especially), spending time with family and friends can help get your mind off your ex.
• Take care of your basic needs. Eating nutritiously and getting enough sleep helps lessen anxiety. In fact, there are certain foods that fight anxiety, like leafy greens, legumes, liver, and beef. 
• Start or maintain an exercise routine. Exercise is a powerful tool to bring down anxiety, as it boosts endorphins.  

Talk to a professional about your anxiety

There’s no shame in talking with a professional if your anxiety is taking over your life after a breakup. If you can’t concentrate or you find yourself caught in an anxious thought loop that won’t stop, it’s probably wise to find some help.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can help reduce anxiety following a breakup. With CBT, a therapist will help you recognize and reframe negative thoughts that could be contributing to your anxiety. DBT helps people develop emotional regulation skills. And EMDR helps people process and heal from trauma.

Find care with Rula

A breakup can disrupt your entire life and worsen your anxiety. You might even feel stuck, lost, or confused. While time helps, you may need more than that. This is where Rula comes in. With Rula’s therapist-matching platform, you can find a therapist who takes your insurance in just a few clicks. You can even find someone who can meet with you as soon as tomorrow.

Find a therapist with Rula