Four ways to make friends as an adult

If you find yourself wondering how to make friends as an adult, you’re not alone. One 2023 survey shows 8% of American adults have zero close friends. Additionally, other research reports 45% of U.S. adults find it hard to make friends, despite a study where 58% of adults said that good friends are key to a fulfilling life.

It can be hard to admit you’re lonely — especially as an adult. But know that with the right strategies and mindset, it’s possible to build connections with others. And fostering friendships can have many benefits for your mental health too, as social isolation raises the risk for depression, anxiety, and cognitive decline. 

You may be part of the nearly half of U.S. adults who are having a hard time making friends. A therapist can offer strategies for how to make friends as an adult and help you feel less alone. 

Why is it so hard to make friends in adulthood?

As a child and teenager, you probably had plenty of opportunities to make friends through after-school and weekend activities scheduled by your parents or caregivers. And while you may’ve been away from your parents in college, classes, clubs, and parties also likely gave you an excuse to strike up a conversation with a peer in the hopes of building a friendship. 

But as an adult, those built-in structures may have all but disappeared. Here are other reasons why adult friendships may seem out of your grasp:

Adult life

Most adults have more independence than they did as children. But that independence often comes with more responsibilities. You may have a full-time job, children or parents to care for, or a romantic relationship that requires time and emotional investment.

Unfortunately, that can leave little or zero time for new friends. Even if you do have time to check out the local pickleball club, you may not have the energy to ask your teammate to grab a coffee after practice.

Lack of practice

Like many things, making friends is a skill. If you haven’t practiced making friends for a while, it can inhibit your ability to connect with people. This might be a reason why you find it harder than you expect to initiate a hangout with your coworker. Without regular practice, striking up a conversation can feel unnatural and awkward. 

Life transitions

Some life transitions, like a new job, marriage, having children, or divorce, can test our sense of identity. You might feel like you don’t belong among the people you used to call your best friends.

This reflection can force some people to withdraw from their close relationships. You might realize that your once busy Friday nights are now silent and a party of one. 

While adult friendships usually take more effort than the ones you might’ve had when you were younger, it’s essential to understand what’s getting in the way. This knowledge can empower you to go after what you want.

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Strategic tips for adults who want more friends

But how do you actually go about making friends as an adult? If you’re out of practice or have limited time and energy, it can be one more task that perpetually remains on your to-do list. 

Here are four strategies you can try to make friends as an adult: 

1. Shift your mindset

Your mindset can help dictate your reality. For example, you might experience negative thoughts like, “I can’t make new friends because I’m too old,” or, “I don’t have anything in common with them and don’t know what to talk about.”

But these limiting beliefs can hold you back from the social connections you crave. 

Instead, it might help to write down traits you like about yourself. If you’re struggling, you can ask someone, like your therapist or a family member’s opinion you trust. Then, it may become easier to counter these negative thought patterns and build the confidence to form connections with potential friends. 

If you’re still having trouble, it might be helpful to work with a mental health professional who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. This approach to therapy focuses on replacing negative thoughts with more positive, helpful ones.  

2. Rethink the places you visit

Life is busy. It can be overwhelming to even think of adding another activity to your schedule.  

But what places do you already visit regularly? Maybe you go to the same coffee shop every day. Or you attend church every week or volunteer at the local food pantry.

Try to see these places through new eyes. You could think, “I usually talk to Josh and Miguel, but maybe I can try to befriend Sarah, who’s always quietly knitting,” or, “I usually rush out of church right after the service ends. I’ll stay for the snacks after the service and talk to one or two people.” 

These familiar places can be valuable opportunities to reach out to someone with similar interests who might become a friend. 

3. Tap the friend resources in your circle

The friends you already have can be the most valuable resources to meet more people you’ll like. After all, if you already like someone, the chances they know someone similar to them are high.

If you’re intrigued by your friend’s friend, ask if they’d introduce you two. It doesn’t have to be intimidating. The three of you can hang out so there’s less pressure. 

You can also tell your friends that you’re making an effort to meet more people. Ask if they’d be willing to invite you to any events or hangouts they think you’d be interested in. 

4. Work on your self-confidence

If a lack of self-confidence is something that’s stopping you from making friends, know that it’s a skill that can be improved. 

There are many ways to give your self-confidence a boost. You can focus on your strengths, identify areas of improvement, and care for your physical health (exercise is a proven confidence booster). This confidence can help you overcome the hesitations you might have around interactions with possible new friends. And the more successful interactions you have, the more your self-confidence can grow.

A therapist can offer a safe and nonjudgmental environment to address your low self-confidence and explore solutions tailored to your unique needs and goals. 

What if you feel like you have no friends at all?

You might have people you socialize with but still feel like you have no friends. Or you truly may have no one around you. This can be a painful and isolating feeling. 

Often, the opportunities we have to make friends are due to circumstance. For example, attending college, church, working at the office, having time for an after-work pick-up game are all opportunities ripe for friendship. 

Sometimes it’s not external circumstances that cause people to lack friends, though. Instead, internal factors — often outside of our control — may be to blame. 

Some reasons why you might find yourself without friends:  

• Past experiences: You may have lost friends in the past, and this might make it hard to put yourself “out there” again.
• Mental health challenges: Mental health conditions, like social anxiety, rejection sensitive dysphoria or depression, can get in the way of making friends. 
• Fear of intimacy: Many deep friendships thrive because of emotional intimacy. But if you’re afraid to share your intimate feelings and thoughts with someone else, you might feel alone.
• Personality traits: For introverts, making small talk and spending a lot of time around others can be draining. This can get in the way of fostering new connections. 
• Neurodivergence: Conditions like autism affect communication skills, sensory sensitivity, and social acceptance, which can make it more challenging to form connections with others.

Whether you’re having a hard time making friends due to negative experiences in the past, social anxiety, or neurodivergent thinking, therapy can be a powerful tool to overcome these barriers. Working with a mental health professional can help you understand yourself better, improve self-compassion, and address deep-rooted issues like trauma and fear of abandonment that may be standing in the way of building friendships.

Find care with Rula

Making friends can be hard at any age. But when we become adults, it can fall to the bottom of a never-ending to-do list. Fostering friendships, however, is essential for our mental health and well-being. A therapist can help you build the skills needed to form lasting connections. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

Find a therapist with Rula