Embracing your flaws and overcoming perfectionism with ADHD

Perfectionism is a personality characteristic that causes a tendency to hold yourself and others to unrealistically high or unattainable standards. It can create frustration, stress, and anxiety when things don’t go flawlessly. Many people show perfectionistic traits from time to time, especially when they’re under pressure, and this doesn’t mean they have a mental health condition. 

But perfectionism can be associated with clinical mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. It also may also be a common experience for people living with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

If you have ADHD and you struggle with perfectionism, you’re not alone. Exploring the link between these experiences can help you learn to love and accept yourself, even when things aren’t perfect.

How ADHD and perfectionism are related

Perfectionism is not a formally recognized sign or symptom of ADHD. But there seems to be considerable overlap between people who live with ADHD and people who have perfectionist tendencies. So let’s unpack some of the reasons why this might be the case.

ADHD can cause challenges with things like organization, procrastination, impulsivity, and focus. This can sometimes lead to disapproval, disappointment, and even punishment at home, work, and school. In response, a person with ADHD might feel ashamed, inherently flawed, or like they can’t do anything right. They may live in fear of disappointing others or making mistakes. They may also become hypersensitive to criticism. As a result, a person with ADHD may rely on perfectionism to mask their symptoms and combat the stigma that their diagnosis carries. 

For example, imagine a college student with ADHD. In high school, prior to getting diagnosed, she struggled academically because she frequently missed deadlines and couldn’t concentrate. Now, with the support of her therapist, she’s learned some strategies that help her stay organized and on-task. She even made the honor roll last semester! 

But despite these successes, her past haunts her. She still recalls the way her parents and teachers criticized her school performance. She says it made her feel “like a loser,” and she never wants to experience that again. So, to compensate, she strives for total perfection and becomes anxious and upset if she receives any grade less than an A+. Over time, this causes an accumulation of stress that negatively impacts her mental health, productivity, relationships, and self-esteem.

Five ways people with ADHD can overcome perfectionism

If you have ADHD and you struggle with perfectionism, here are some things you can do to be kinder to yourself.

1. Pause and reflect. When you’re feeling the pressure to be perfect, think about where it’s coming from. Why isn’t it OK to make a mistake? Are you worried about being judged? Is the outcome you fear likely to happen? What stories are you telling yourself about yourself in this moment? If you can’t answer all of these questions, that’s OK. But gaining some insight into your internal narrative can help you foster more self-compassion. 

2. Consider your goals. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming big and having some ambitious, long-term goals. But sometimes, being too focused on the big picture can leave you feeling like a failure in the present. So try to celebrate the small successes you achieve each day and recognize the importance of each step in your journey.  

3. Be a friend (to yourself). If you feel the urge to criticize yourself, consider how you might speak to a friend in the same situation. Would you judge them this harshly? Would you expect them to be flawless? Probably not! Instead, you would likely show them kindness and remind them of their many positive attributes. See if you can do the same thing for yourself.

4. Avoid comparison. It’s easy to focus on the negatives or long for what you don’t have. You might look at others (either in person or online) and wish your life mirrored theirs. But it’s important to acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes, has problems, and disappoints people sometimes. In other words, no one is perfect, no matter how things appear on the outside. Being flawed is part of being human.

5. Build supportive systems. Many people with ADHD use perfectionism as a way to mask problems with executive functioning. But this is rarely an effective long-term solution. Instead, create systems that help you with things like focus, organization, and motivation. This might include setting a consistent sleep schedule, using calendar reminders, or even gamifying your to-do list. You can use whatever methods work best for you.

Find care with Rula

Many people with ADHD struggle with perfectionism due the stigma around ADHD symptoms. So if you have ADHD and you constantly try to avoid making mistakes or disappointing others, know that it’s not your fault and you’re not alone. With the right support, you can learn to manage your perfectionism, be kinder to yourself, and even embrace your flaws. 

No matter the mental health concerns you’re facing, Rula is here to make it easier to find the right therapist for your needs. With our therapist-matching program, you can access affordable, convenient mental healthcare, all from the comfort of home. In just a few clicks, you can find a provider who takes your insurance and make your first appointment as soon as tomorrow.

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