ADHD’s role in low self-esteem

Living with ADHD can be difficult, in no small part due to the societal stigma placed upon people with this condition. One of the most painful effects of ADHD is low self-esteem. Research shows that people with ADHD are much more likely to live with low self-esteem than people without ADHD.

Many complex factors can lead to this, including academic and social challenges during childhood and problems at work and in relationships as an adult. But if you live with ADHD, it’s essential to work on strengthening your self-esteem because having high self-esteem can help prevent other mental health challenges, like depression. 

With the right support, it’s possible to feel confident in yourself and your unique brain as a person with ADHD. Receiving treatment for ADHD has been found to have a very positive effect on self-esteem. 

How ADHD can shape a child’s self-esteem

Growing up with ADHD — and, more specifically, how the world treats children with ADHD — can contribute to low self-esteem in many ways. If you have a child with ADHD, their self-esteem can be affected by:

Academic challenges

Children with ADHD often have significant academic challenges — especially if they don’t receive adequate accommodations in traditional school settings. They might have a hard time focusing during boring or tedious lessons or find it challenging to sit still. This can lead to a constant sense of not being able to keep up with their academics.

This doesn’t reflect the child’s intellectual ability, but many children do end up internalizing this and labels like “dumb” or “lazy” — especially if they don’t have adults in their lives who can explain to them how ADHD affects the way their brains learn.

Social difficulties

Children with ADHD also often have a hard time relating to their peers. For example, a child with ADHD might engage in a lot of impulsive behaviors, which can lead their peers to label them as “the bad kid.” Or they may be thought of as “too chatty.” For many children, especially in those early years, fitting in can feel essential, so they may view being any form of “different” as something negative It can be very painful and lonely for a child to be rejected in this way, and it can end up affecting their self-esteem.

Criticism from adults

Unfortunately, some children with ADHD can also receive unfair criticism from the adults in their lives. Teachers, caregivers, and relatives may not have a full understanding of how ADHD affects the brain, and they may end up blaming the child for behaviors they view as “disruptive.” The child may frequently be told that they’re not meeting their potential or that they’re not working hard enough.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria

Research shows that children who live with ADHD are also frequently affected by something known as rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). RSD is characterized by severe emotional pain in response to any perceived rejection, criticism, or failure.

Unfortunately, this means that — whether or not adults and peers are actually rejecting them — children with ADHD may perceive rejection and criticism, which can undoubtedly affect their self-esteem.

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How ADHD can cause low self-esteem in adults

Many of the same factors continue to affect people with ADHD as they move through adulthood. If you’re an adult with ADHD, you might find that your self-esteem is negatively affected by:

Stigma

Although mental health awareness is growing, we still have a long way to go. ADHD continues to be highly stigmatized, especially in certain communities. People who don’t understand ADHD may tell you things like, “You just need to work harder” or accuse you of making up your symptoms. Self-stigma can also play a role, and living with such a highly stigmatized condition can affect an adult’s self-esteem.

Self-blame

Even if you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, you may still find ways to blame yourself for your behaviors or perceived faults and inadequacies. For example, you might misst a deadline at work due to the way ADHD affects your brain.

Even if your supervisor is understanding about this, you may blame yourself for the oversight. You might experience negative self-talk, like, “Why am I like this? Why can’t I just remember things like everybody else does?” This type of self-blame can make you feel less confident in yourself.

Relationship challenges

It can also be hard to make relationships work when you live with ADHD. The impulsive behaviors and emotional dysregulation that often come along with ADHD can cause disruptions and difficult patterns within relationships.

One study found that people with ADHD and their spouses tended to have higher levels of conflict in their relationships than neurotypical couples. Facing these difficulties even in your most intimate relationships can make you feel misunderstood as a person with ADHD.

Struggles at work

Just like how children with ADHD may struggle at school, adults with ADHD may struggle at work. This isn’t because people with ADHD don’t have the capacity to be successful in the workplace. On the contrary, people with ADHD have many unique strengths and abilities that make them a strong asset within organizations. Rather, it may be difficult to align with responsibilities and neurotypical expectations in a traditional workplace.

The right accommodations can set you up for success, but you may find that your self-esteem is impacted — especially if you work with a team who isn’t understanding of your diagnosis.

Co-occurring mental health conditions

ADHD also frequently comes along with other mental health conditions, including depression and anxiety. These conditions can affect your self-esteem in additional ways. They can also worsen the self-esteem effects that come along with ADHD. For example, when you start to experience self-blame due to ADHD, depression can cause you to ruminate on these issues and get locked in a cycle of negative thinking.

How undiagnosed ADHD leads to poor self-esteem

Anyone with ADHD can be affected by low self-esteem, but people who have undiagnosed ADHD may experience it to a great degree. This might be explained by a few different factors.

Firstly, undiagnosed ADHD means untreated ADHD. When children are provided with early interventions and treatment, they learn skills early in their lives that can help them with building social relationships and achieving academic success.

When children are diagnosed with ADHD, they’re also typically given accommodations to help them succeed in the school environment. For example, they might be given special tools, like fidget toys, to help them focus in the classroom. Or they might be connected with a school counselor or therapist who can help them learn about and manage their ADHD symptoms.

With undiagnosed ADHD, people are never given these opportunities. In addition to not being provided with pragmatic tools and skills, people with undiagnosed ADHD are also never given a scientific explanation for their symptoms.

This can lead them to be more likely to blame themselves for the way their brains work. Someone who’s been diagnosed with ADHD may misplace an object and be able to understand this as a manifestation of their ADHD. But another person who lives with undiagnosed ADHD may label themselves as careless or stupid, which can significantly impact self-esteem.

Why is positive self-esteem important?

Building positive self-esteem — especially during childhood and adolescence — is one of the most important parts of mental health. Research shows that having healthy self-esteem has many long-term benefits, including in important life areas, like:

• School
• Work
• Relationships
• Mental health
• Physical health 

For people with ADHD specifically, having high self-esteem can lower your risk of certain challenges associated with ADHD. One analysis found that people with ADHD who had high self-esteem were less likely to have co-occurring depression, substance use disorder, test anxiety, and more.

On the other hand, having low self-esteem — especially during adolescence — can lead to negative life outcomes in adulthood. One study found that adolescents who had low self-esteem were more likely to have poor mental and physical health and worse economic outcomes. They were also more likely to engage in criminal behavior as adults. 

Four ways to build confidence with ADHD

It’s normal to struggle with self-esteem if you live with ADHD. But by working through negative self-talk — both on your own and with the help of a therapist — you can foster confidence in yourself and your abilities. 

Try these strategies to build up your self-esteem and stop feeling shame and embarrassment.

1. Learn about ADHD

Try to gain as much knowledge about ADHD as you can, including the unique ways it affects your brain. It can be so easy to internalize stigma about ADHD or continue to blame yourself for your perceived faults. But when you understand exactly why you think and behave the way you do, it can be easier to see these supposed “faults” as just manifestations of your unique brain. 

2. Don’t compare yourself, especially with neurotypical people

We all compare ourselves to others sometimes. But if you live with ADHD, these comparisons could put you at an unfair disadvantage. ADHD is a form of neurodivergence, which means your brain is different and unique. Comparing yourself to neurotypical people is like comparing apples and oranges. 

But neurodiversity is a natural phenomenon that deserves to be celebrated. There’s no need to try to be like everyone else. Try to avoid comparing yourself to others — especially if you feel like you’re always coming up short. Focus more on your own goals and taking steps toward them. Other people may do things in a certain way or on a certain timeline, but you can do things in your own way.

3. Join a neurodiversity-affirming community

Some of the poor self-esteem that comes along with ADHD can come from being “othered” in traditional settings. For example, you may have been the only child with ADHD in your classroom, which has led you to internalize messaging that something is “wrong” with you because your brain works differently. 

But, in reality, there are thousands — even millions — of neurodivergent people in the U.S. By connecting with a community of other neurodivergent people, you can start to see that neurodiversity is something to be celebrated, not hidden and shamed. You may also gain new role models of what it looks like to live proudly, with strong self-esteem, as a person with ADHD.

4. Learn to take feedback

When you live with low self-esteem, it can be difficult to take both positive and negative feedback from others. But being able to own both your strengths and mistakes can be an important part of building self-esteem.

For example, when you receive a compliment, try to avoid the urge to deflect it. Instead, recognize yourself for your efforts or strengths that the compliment reflects. For example, when someone tells you they like your clothing, recognize yourself for your stylistic taste or the effort it took you to save to be able to buy each piece.

It’s also important to be able to own up to mistakes. Try not to take constructive criticism personally. This can be difficult to do — especially if you live with ADHD-related rejection sensitive dysphoria. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and receiving a piece of negative feedback doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. Try to avoid black-and-white thinking — you may have done something “badly” once, but that doesn’t mean that you’re “all bad.”

Find care with Rula

Living with ADHD can affect your self-esteem. This can be especially true if you aren’t able to modify your environment or are surrounded by people who don’t understand your condition. A therapist can help you discover your unique strengths and feel more confident in every area of your life. Therapy can also teach you more about ADHD itself, which can help you stop blaming yourself for your symptoms.

Rula has connected patients and therapists for millions of successful therapy sessions. Our network of 10,000+ therapists has expertise in over 80 clinical specialties, including ADHD and self-esteem. We accept most insurance plans, and you can get an appointment as soon as tomorrow.

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