ADHD and commitment: 4 tools for improving your ability to commit

Key Takeaways

Having ADHD doesn’t automatically make a person fear commitment. However, ADHD can cause increased impulsivity and novelty-seeking behavior — like constantly looking for new and exciting experiences — which may create challenges in relationships.

Novelty-seeking behaviors in a person diagnosed with ADHD are often the result of differences in brain chemistry. It isn’t a conscious choice, character flaw, or inability to commit.

Many people with ADHD have stable, loving, relationships. But if you or someone you care about is struggling with novelty seeking related to ADHD, know that effective treatment is available.

Some of the symptoms of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can have an effect on relationships. But people living with ADHD aren’t inherently afraid of commitment. This myth is harmful because it can lead to increased stigma and misunderstanding. People with ADHD can struggle in romantic relationships just like anyone else. But the reason they might have a hard time in longer-term commitments is because of how their brains are wired, not because of a character flaw.

ADHD is known to cause an increase in novelty-seeking behavior of all kinds, including in relationships. For example, maybe you know someone with ADHD who always seems to have a new passion project. They tend to go “all in” on their latest fixation, only to quickly abandon it for something else.

Many people with ADHD frequently seek out new sources of stimulation and connection because of differences in the areas of their brains that control rewards and decision making. But people living with ADHD can learn to manage these impulses.

Do people with ADHD have a fear of commitment?

People from all walks of life can have trouble finding long-term partners. But having ADHD doesn’t make a person fear commitment more than anyone else. In fact, the opposite might be true. According to Lolly, LMFT and Rula’s clinical quality manager, “many people with ADHD crave structured, predictable routines, environments, and relationships.”

However, people with ADHD do tend to thrive amid novelty. Exposure to something new releases a brain chemical called dopamine. This is a natural “feel good” chemical that makes us feel happy and satisfied. People living with ADHD may have lower levels of dopamine than others. So this may lead them to engage in behaviors that stimulate this part of the brain’s reward system, including seeking new romantic partners.

How ADHD and the brain’s need for novelty can affect your life

Having a dopamine deficiency can make it difficult for people with ADHD to stay engaged with routine or challenging tasks, relationships, and experiences. Sometimes, this can lead to novelty-seeking behaviors. Without awareness, these impulses can be difficult to manage.

For example, if you’re a person living with untreated ADHD, you may experience situations like the following:

Career: After working the same job for five months and getting great feedback from your boss, you abruptly quit. You felt bored doing the same set of tasks each day, even though you did them well.
Hobbies: You spent a large amount of time and money on a new hobby, baking. At first, you fell in love with the process of collecting ingredients and learning the science of creating tasty treats. But after a burst of excitement, you’re no longer interested.
Relationships: You’ve been on several dates with someone new. You really like spending time with them, and they seem great. After your last date, though, you wonder if you’re already getting stuck in a rut, and you start to question your future with this person.

Remember, dopamine helps you stay focused, motivated, and interested. Not having enough of it can make it difficult to stick to things, even when you have the deepest desire to do so. This can result in a continued cycle of novelty seeking that can take a toll on a person’s mental health and self-esteem.

Four ways to work on commitment issues

Anyone can improve their ability to stay engaged in their relationships, whether they have ADHD or not. If you’d like to reduce your tendency toward novelty seeking and work to embrace commitment, the following tips can help.

Start with self-awareness. The first step in changing a behavior is acknowledging that it exists. If you suspect that your desire for novelty is impacting your relationships, make some time to reflect. Pay close attention to any patterns you notice and what tends to make your novelty-seeking behavior improve or worsen.
Use positive self-talk. When you feel the urge to switch gears impulsively, take a moment to acknowledge what’s happening.. Use kind and encouraging words to affirm your desires and values, and tell yourself that you have the power to determine your behaviors.
Communicate with others. If you know you get bored easily, talk to the people this could impact. For example, tell your boss that you do your best work if you have a new project every few months. Or let a new dating partner know that you’d really enjoy exploring new activities together instead of doing the same things on repeat.
Ask for help. Working with a therapist who specializes in ADHD can help you learn to manage your impulsivity and better understand the source of your novelty-seeking behavior. This can help you strengthen your relationship with yourself and others.

Can therapy help people with ADHD and commitment issues?

Commitment issues aren’t a recognized symptom of ADHD. But by treating ADHD more broadly, people can manage the impulsivity and novelty-seeking behaviors that often accompany this diagnosis and may lead to commitment concerns.

Evidence shows that ADHD is best treated with a combination of medication and therapies, like:

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): This form of therapy fosters self-awareness, acceptance of thoughts and behaviors, and commitment to positive behavior change.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT is used to help people identify and interrupt unhelpful cognitive and behavioral patterns.
Mindfulness-based therapy: Mindfulness activities, like meditation, can help people regulate their emotions, increase self-awareness, and improve focus.

Find care with Rula

ADHD is known to cause problems with focus and impulse control. It can also create a tendency to seek novelty because of how it impacts brain chemistry. But this doesn’t mean that people with ADHD are inherently afraid of commitment. They actually often crave stability, even if they struggle to achieve it. If you have ADHD and you want to improve your ability to stay engaged in important relationships, know that help is available.

At Rula, we work with an extensive network of therapists who specialize in treating conditions like ADHD. If you need support for ADHD or any other mental health condition, check out our therapist-matching program today. In just a few clicks, you can find a provider who takes your insurance and make your first appointment as soon as tomorrow.