The connection between ADHD and attachment styles

According to attachment theory, the attachment style that forms when we’re infants — based on the warmth and consistency we receive from our primary caregivers — affects our relationships in adulthood. 

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and attachment styles have a complex relationship. Research shows that people with ADHD are much more likely than neurotypical people to have an insecure attachment style. If you live with both ADHD and insecure attachment, you might feel like certain aspects of your life — like emotional regulation and relationships — are more challenging.

With the support of a therapist, you can heal your attachment style, strengthen your relationships, and learn how to manage your emotions in healthy ways.

How ADHD and attachment theory are related

Attachment theory describes how our early relationships with caregivers shape the way we relate to others throughout our lives. The idea behind attachment theory is that when we consistently have our needs met and our caregivers are attuned to those needs, we develop secure attachment. This sets us up for healthy relationships and emotional well-being as we grow older. 

On the other hand, when the attunement we receive is inconsistent, absent, or unreliable, we may develop insecure attachment patterns. This can lead to difficulty trusting others, regulating emotions, and forming stable relationships throughout our lives.

Research shows that ADHD and attachment have a complex and deeply interwoven relationship. Studies have consistently found that people with ADHD are much more likely to have insecure attachment patterns than neurotypical people. In addition, children with reactive attachment disorder — a mental health condition characterized by difficulty forming secure emotional bonds due to early neglect or inconsistent caregiving — are more likely to also live with ADHD.

Insecure attachment patterns can interact with ADHD symptoms in ways that make them both worse. For example, both insecure attachment and ADHD can cause emotional dysregulation, or difficulty managing strong or painful emotions. They’re also both related to impulsive behaviors.

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What ADHD feels like based on your attachment style

There are two main types of attachment styles: secure and insecure. Within insecure attachment styles, there are three subtypes:

• Anxious attachment is characterized by a strong fear of abandonment and a heightened need for reassurance. This can lead to emotional dependence.
• Avoidant attachment is characterized by emotional distance and self-reliance. Intimacy may feel overwhelming or unimportant.
• Disorganized attachment is a mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors. This often results in unpredictable or contradictory responses to relationships.

Research shows that people with ADHD are much more likely to have an insecure attachment style. More specifically, people with an avoidant attachment or disorganized attachment style are more likely to have inattentive symptoms of ADHD. If this applies to you, it might feel like your symptoms of inattention come together with your emotional independence in a way that leads you to almost “forget” about maintaining close relationships. You might frequently forget important dates or to keep in contact with people, which might result in relationship conflicts.

People with anxious attachment style, on the other hand, are more likely to have hyperactivity symptoms. You may experience strong and painful emotions — especially when you’re afraid of being abandoned or when someone is upset — that you find difficult to manage. You might also be more likely to engage in impulsive behaviors to try to deal with those emotions.

Research shows that having your needs met consistently and developing a secure attachment style can help lessen some of the symptoms of ADHD. Parental warmth and affection has been found to lower anxiety, lower risk of conduct disorders, and lead to fewer antisocial problems and greater acceptance by peers for people with ADHD. 

Can ADHD cause insecure attachment?

ADHD and insecure attachment are deeply intertwined. On one hand, it’s possible that insecure attachment developed as a young child (and the events that caused it) can lead to worse ADHD symptoms. Childhood adversity, including child abuse and neglect, has been identified as a potential risk factor for ADHD, and children who experience these types of adversity are also much more likely to develop insecure attachment.

But the inverse may also be true. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition, which means children may start showing symptoms at a very young age. 

Unfortunately, some people may view these symptoms as disruptive. Some parents may get frustrated and have a more difficult time providing consistent care for children with ADHD. The emotional dysregulation that often comes along with ADHD can also affect family relationships. This can lead to the development of an insecure attachment style. 

Symptoms of ADHD can include:

• Excessive physical movement, or moving as if “driven by a motor”
• Daydreaming to the point of not hearing you when you talk to them
• Quickly forgetting or appearing to ignore verbal instructions
• Engaging in impulsive behaviors like running into the street
• Having a hard time with peer relationships
• Not being able to sit still when they’re expected to, even for short periods of time

Maladaptive parent behaviors and the child’s ADHD symptoms can sometimes get locked in a vicious cycle and reinforce each other. When the child with ADHD doesn’t receive adequate parenting, it can make their ADHD symptoms worse and contribute to the development of other co-occurring mental health conditions, like oppositional defiant disorder. This can make the parent feel even more frustrated.

This doesn’t mean that ADHD causes insecure attachment, though. Insecure attachment is caused by inconsistent parenting and is developed early on in life. If you live with ADHD and weren’t given the support or warmth you needed as a child, it’s not your fault. And while you may not be able to change the fact that you developed an insecure attachment style as a child, you can work toward healing now.

Managing ADHD and your attachment style

If you live with both ADHD and an insecure attachment style, it’s important to address both. Having an insecure attachment style can make ADHD symptoms harder to handle. When you work on healing your attachment wounds, you can learn how to develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships and get better at managing your emotions.

The best way to address ADHD and an insecure attachment style is to prevent insecure attachment from developing to begin with. If you’re the parent of a child with ADHD, it’s OK to feel frustrated. But it’s also essential to get early intervention — for both your child and yourself — to help protect your bond and make sure you’re adequately supporting your child.

Some ways to address ADHD and insecure attachment include:

• Attachment-based therapy: This type of therapy focuses on exploring past and present relationship patterns to help you develop a more secure attachment style. A therapist can help you recognize how early attachment wounds might be affecting your current relationships and provide strategies to build trust, emotional regulation, and healthier connections.
• Parent training: If you’re a parent of a child with ADHD, working with a therapist can help you learn how to provide consistent support, structure, and emotional validation. Parent training programs focus on effective communication, discipline strategies, and building a secure and stable bond with your child.
• Family therapy: Because attachment issues often stem from early relationships, family therapy can be helpful for addressing patterns of communication, conflict, and emotional connection. A therapist can work with you and your family members to improve understanding, strengthen bonds, and create a more supportive environment. Family therapy can also help children with ADHD by helping to strengthen family bonds and preventing insecure attachment from forming.
• Behavioral therapy: ADHD symptoms can make emotional regulation and social interactions more difficult, which can reinforce insecure attachment patterns. Behavioral therapy helps you develop skills to manage impulsivity, frustration, and emotional dysregulation. It can also help you improve social and relationship skills.
• Medication: While medication doesn’t directly address attachment issues, it can help manage core ADHD symptoms like impulsivity, inattention, and emotional dysregulation. By addressing these challenges, you may find it easier to engage in therapy, build stable relationships, and practice healthier coping mechanisms.

Find care with Rula

Living with an insecure attachment style can make relationships hard, and unmanaged ADHD can make them even harder. It’s not your fault that you developed an insecure attachment style as a child. A therapist can help you both heal your attachment style and learn how to manage any disruptive symptoms of ADHD so you can build loving and healthy relationships in your life. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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