Recognizing and dealing with an abusive friend

What do you think of when you hear the word “friend?” For most people, it conjures up warm, positive feelings. We consider our friends to be trusted sources of support. Our friends love and accept us for who we are, even if we don’t agree sometimes. But did you know that friendships can also be abusive? 

It might seem counterintuitive, but just like other close interpersonal relationships, friendships can be unhealthy. And abusive friendships might be more common than you think. One study found that, among young people who experienced bullying, 8% of the perpetrators were people the victims considered friends. 

This statistic points to a troubling experience that may fly under the radar because we don’t expect our friends to harm us. That’s why it’s so important to learn to spot abuse in friendships and know where to turn for help.  

How to tell if you’re in an abusive friendship

Whether it’s between friends, romantic partners, or family members, abuse requires an imbalance of power and a desire to do harm. The person committing abuse leverages their power to control or manipulate others for their own gain. 

Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, or financial, and some forms of abuse are harder to detect than others. For example, physical abuse (like hitting or kicking) may leave behind obvious visible injuries that are difficult to conceal and includes an action that can be clearly witnessed. But emotional or psychological abuse between friends isn’t always easy to spot. 

So how can you tell if you’re in a toxic or abusive friendship? You may be in an abusive friendship if your friend:

1. Expects you to change your plans or accommodate them at the drop of a hat and gets angry if you can’t
2. Openly mocks or ridicules you or calls you insulting names
3. Frequently makes “jokes” that hurt your feelings or calls you sensitive when you express discomfort
4. Leaves you out of group activities for no apparent reason
5. Spreads rumors about you or talks about you behind your back
6. Acts jealous if you spend time with other friends
7. Uses guilt to manipulate you or shames you for putting your own needs first
8. Gets angry if you don’t respond to their calls or texts right away, even if you’re at work or otherwise occupied
9. Takes money or possessions from you
10. Often breaks promises
11. Expects you to always listen to them talk about their problems but never offers a listening ear to you
12. Gaslights or blackmails you to avoid responsibility or to get their way
13. Gives you the silent treatment or threatens to end the friendship as a way of maintaining control
14. Is suddenly absent or unavailable when you need support
15. Physically hurts you or attempts to engage in sexual activity with you without your consent

What to do if you’re in an abusive friendship

Realizing that your friend is abusive can be a difficult experience. You may feel heartbroken that someone you cared about and enjoyed spending time with has hurt you deeply. 

But gaining this awareness is the first step toward healing. From there, you can use the following steps to keep yourself safe.

• Communicate openly. If it feels safe to do so, talk to your friend, and let them know how their behavior has affected you. Depending on the situation, it might be worth giving them a chance to make some changes that would allow you to maintain a friendship.

• State your boundaries clearly. Let your friend know what you will and will not tolerate in the future. Be clear and concise about your needs and expectations moving forward. For example, you might say something like: “I feel betrayed when you make fun of me in front of our other friends. I can’t spend time with you or continue this friendship if you continue to insult me like that.”

• Prioritize your safety. If you think your friend is incapable of having a civil conversation about their behavior or if you’re worried about your safety for any reason, it’s OK to cut ties without having a conversation first. You deserve respect in all of your relationships.

Recovering from an abusive friendship

Left unaddressed, ongoing emotional abuse can lead to serious consequences for your mental health. In fact, research shows that it can increase your risk of anxiety and depression. So if you’re struggling in the aftermath of an abusive friendship, know that you’re not alone and help is available. 

As you work toward recovery, the following strategies can help you heal:

• Spend time with people who love and respect you.
• Engage in regular self-care.
• Monitor your physical health by getting plenty of rest, exercising, and eating a healthy diet. 
• Look for opportunities to expand your social circle and form new friendships.
• Join a group activity doing something you enjoy, or volunteer for an organization whose mission resonates with you.
• Remember that all of your feelings are valid, and it’s OK to grieve the loss of your friendship, even if it was unhealthy.
• If it’s helpful, unfollow or block your ex-friend on social media, and remove them from your contacts.
• Reach out for help and talk to a trusted friend, loved one, or therapist about your experience.

Find care with Rula

While we often hear about abuse in the context of romantic partnerships, it can occur within friendships too. Left unaddressed, an abusive friendship can take a toll on your mental health. Whether you’ve already ended the friendship or you need help setting healthy boundaries, talking to a therapist can help you navigate this process. 

And thanks to Rula, connecting with an in-network provider you can meet with from the comfort of home is now easier than ever. With our therapist-matching program, you can choose a provider and make your first appointment as early as this week, all on one convenient platform. 

However, if you’re facing immediate safety concerns, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline Website, or call 800-799-SAFE (7233) for confidential assistance.

Find a therapist with Rula