What is covert emotional abuse? Common signs and how to recover

Abuse can take many forms. Some forms are detectable, especially when there is obvious evidence of physical harm. But there are subtler forms of abuse that people often overlook. This includes something called covert emotional abuse. Like all forms of abuse, it’s based on the abuser’s desire to dominate and control another person. But it differs from other forms of non-physical abuse like name-calling, threatening, or shouting. 

Covert emotional abuse involves continuous, barely detectable manipulation tactics that often fly under the radar of observers, victims, and even mental health professionals. Over time, these tactics can erode self-esteem and significantly impact a person’s mental health. 

By learning to spot the signs of covert emotional abuse, you’ll know when it might be time to ask for help.

What is covert abuse?

One of the most challenging aspects of understanding covert emotional abuse is that it can be incredibly subtle. It involves a slow, steady drip of manipulative, deceitful tactics aimed at eroding a person’s independence and sense of self. Typically, it occurs in intimate relationships when one person seeks to dominate and control their partner.  

Covert emotional abuse is sometimes referred to as narcissistic abuse, and people who’ve been abused this way often have a sense that something isn’t right. But they may struggle to voice exactly what’s wrong in their relationship. For example, people on the receiving end of covert abuse might feel confused or like they’re walking on eggshells. Their partners may continue to profess their love while at the same time doing or saying things that cause emotional harm. 

This may lead the person experiencing abuse to wonder if there’s something wrong with them or if they’re the problem. They may hesitate to ask for help because they worry that no one will believe them if they don’t have tangible evidence of abuse. 

Sadly, this can result in an ongoing cycle of emotional abuse that can be difficult to escape. But by learning more about covert emotional abuse, you’ll know how to spot the signs, set healthy boundaries, and strengthen your mental health.

20 signs of covert emotional abuse

It can be hard to spot the signs of covert emotional abuse. But there are some common tactics to be aware of, including:

1. Constant criticism and belittling
2. Gaslighting, scapegoating, and love bombing
3. Passive aggressiveness 
4. Isolation from friends and loved ones
5. Undermining your accomplishments
6. Emotional neglect
7. Giving the silent treatment
8. Making subtle, painful digs or threats that sound like jokes 
9. Giving insults that, on the surface, sound like compliments
10. Withholding love or affection
11. Blaming you for all the problems in the relationship or anything that goes wrong
12. Limiting your access to resources or financial control
13. Forbidding you from getting a job or doing something to better yourself
14. Denying your experience in ways that leave you questioning your reality
15. Doing or saying things that make you feel powerless or undeserving of love
16. Reframing your attempts to connect as neediness
17. Refusing to take responsibility for their words or actions
18. Making promises to change, then denying that they ever made the promises
19. Normalizing abusive, unhealthy behaviors
20. Engaging in online stalking or surveillance to control your internet or phone use

What should you do if you think you might be experiencing covert emotional abuse?

Because it’s so subtle, it can be hard to tell if you’re experiencing emotional abuse. Abusers often deny any negative intentions and can make you feel like you’re imagining things. For example, they may say things like “Geez it was just a joke” after insulting you. Or they may tell you the reason they don’t want you to spend time with friends is because they want to “protect” you. 

So what should you do if you think you might be experiencing emotional abuse? Most importantly, remember that abuse can take many forms, and it’s never your fault. You don’t have to endure physical harm to be a victim or ask for help. Give yourself time to reflect on your experience and what’s really happening in your relationship. Take note of any suspected instances of abuse and how they made you feel. You can write your thoughts in a journal (but keep it in a secure place) and ask for external validation from friends, family, or other people who know you well. 

As you begin to gain clarity about your situation, you can then take steps to seek support and keep yourself safe.

What options are available to someone experiencing covert emotional abuse?

If you or someone you care about is experiencing abuse of any kind, know that help is available. Your first priority should always be your safety. You can call 911, local crisis services, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) if you feel that you or your children are in danger. 

If there are no immediate safety concerns, you can use the following suggestions to support yourself as you heal from the effects of emotional abuse. Remember these are just suggestions and what’s most important is finding what works for you.

• Prioritize self-care. Abuse can take a toll on your mental health and physical well-being. So try to set aside some time to engage in activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit. 
• Set healthy boundaries. You don’t have to stand by and listen to hurtful comments, manipulations, or insults. Let the other person know that if they belittle you or emotionally abuse you in any way, you’ll remove yourself from the conversation. Plan ahead, and consider where you’ll go if you need to make an exit.
• Challenge self-blame. Abusers will often do or say things that leave you feeling like the abuse is your fault. But that is never the case. So when you notice self-blame creeping in, try to challenge those thoughts. 
• Nurture your support system. Abuse thrives on isolation because it’s harder for a perpetrator to harm you if other people witness their behavior. So reach out to your support network and talk about your experience with people you trust. 
• Seek professional help. Emotional abuse can have a lasting impact on your mental health. A therapist can help you regain your sense of self, set and uphold boundaries, learn to spot abuse, and build healthy relationships.

Find care with Rula

While it can be harder to detect, research shows that covert emotional abuse can sometimes be even more harmful than physical abuse. So if you or someone you care about has experienced it, know that it’s okay to ask for help. At Rula, our goal is to streamline access to effective, compassionate mental healthcare for anyone who needs it. 

No matter the mental health challenge you’re facing, you can use our therapist-matching program to find a therapist who takes your insurance in just a few minutes. From there, you can schedule your first online appointment and begin accessing care as early as this week. 

Find a therapist with Rula